You’re probably reading the title of the post and thinking ‘yay another post about a 20 something who had/ has confidence issues’ but as much as I write this blog to share my life and thoughts with others, sometimes this blog acts as a form of self-therapy and not because I believe everything I say is right but because sometimes writing is the easiest way to order my busy brain. So If you’re reading this, this will probably be for me, the ‘bravest’ and most honest post I will ever write.
People compliment me a lot on my confidence and say how they would never do some of things I have done, but we all have something that we’re insecure about and my thing is that I hated my body. Many women dislike their bodies and that’s nothing new- we wish we were a bit smaller/bigger, we wish we had bigger boobs, we wish our hair were different.. We have all done it but the one reason I hated my body most of all was that my body is different.
My body doesn’t look or move in the conventional manner and I have lost so many hours scrutinising my body, hating everything and feeling angry. I realise that this has been a totally pointless exercise. I have tattoos, spend too much time on a beauty routine and dye my hair from brunette to blonde every month. That’s the part of my appearance I can control, but the way my Cerebral Palsy and Scoliosis affect me I have no control over and stupidly this is the part of my appearance I used to bully the most. And that’s what it was, bullying. I scan through my instagram feed looking at pages of beautiful women on Vogue or GQ, (Yes I follow every major fashion house on instagram) wishing I was a little bit like them or listening to friends moan about the way they look but longing I had normal body hang ups like theirs but this didn’t make my body ‘normal’ it just made me self- conscious and miserable.
I must point out that I’m by no means saying I’m now uber confident with my body because let’s face it if I was, I wouldn’t be a peroxide bitch, staring at my golden tan that’s come out of a bottle or have enough worth in cosmetics that I could buy that dream holiday with. However I have accepted this is the way my body is, my spine will always have a curve and it may not stay this ‘corrected’ forever. I don’t have the best figure and I don’t think anyone without a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon does, but at 24 this is my body and no amount of obsessive self shaming will ever change that.
Since I’ve had this little epiphany thanks to Amy Poehler’s Yes Please I think life may get a bit easier. I might even stop apologising for the things that are not my fault or even in my control, I might even stop giving a shit about the stupid comments people say and I should definitely stop ridiculing my body because of my disability. That’s stupid.
Everyone has hang ups, and that’s fine but’s it’s when these hang ups become the fuel in self destruction, when you list 500 reasons why you should hate yourself that’s when it’s not fine.
I don’t know how to sign this off without sounding like a wannabe inspiring quote but remember we never see what everyone else sees about us, we don’t see that good smile or the great hair, or the funny sense of humour, or the interesting person. We tend to only focus on the ‘bad’ sides, the sides that often only we see and are invisible to everyone else. We see those but if we actually accepted what others saw too we’d see a better picture.
And this is me….
Until Next Time